Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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