Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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