Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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