Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
