He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
