I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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