are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
