she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize