I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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