Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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