dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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