shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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