I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize