don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
