Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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