I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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