when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize