My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm like, not good at living.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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