I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
