I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize