Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize