I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
