How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
