i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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