All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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