Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
