New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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