To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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