im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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