Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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