When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize