Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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