Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
