he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
