a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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