Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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