Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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