I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
