i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
