sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
