I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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