youre lurking in front of me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
