i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
