Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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