Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
