your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I met the friendliest cop last night
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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