sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
