Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
