The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
