dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
