I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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