I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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