I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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