When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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