Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
