I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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