awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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