the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
