Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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