Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
