3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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