i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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