what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
