Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize