forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
