you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
