your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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