What did we do last night that was yellow?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
